We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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