I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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