Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
