so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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