i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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