i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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