I'm gonna have a badass scar
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
