I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
