But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
