The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
