I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
