I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
