How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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