I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
