John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
