remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Can I color on your dick again?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
