Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
