i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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