I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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