we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
