You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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