I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
