My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
