I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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