How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
