SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
