My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
