who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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