He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
