my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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