Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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