so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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