we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sobbing to NWA
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
