So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
