I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
