Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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