I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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