Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
