his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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