possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
