God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
