he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
