Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm both gender and math confused
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
