im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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