The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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