shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
