Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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