don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
