I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
