Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
